Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Avoiding Mr. Wrong (And what to do if you didn't) by Stephen Arterburn & Dr. Meg Rinck
I came across this book & decided to search for some notes on it. This is what I found:What smart women do...
Below are the things smart women do to make sure they're moving forward with the right man in the right way. Here are the 10 most valuable things you can do to insure you don't end up with Mr. Wrong:
1. Go slow. No, really--go even slower than you think you need to go. Did you know that romance and attraction don't rub off for about two years? If you marry before those two years are up, you won't know if you really love him or he loves you, or if you just love the feelings you create in each other. Go slow. Date at least a year and then be engaged for at least a year. Yes, the clock is ticking, but it is not ticking that fast. You have plenty of time for a great relationship. What you do not have it is time for a bad one that either drags into a lifetime of chronic pain or ends in acute pain and traumatic divorce.
2. Explore your attraction. Why is he attractive to you? Is it his great body or is it his great faith? Is it his money or his mind? Look at the things that make you feel good about him. Do they remind you of anyone? Is he similar to someone who caused problems for you? Like your father, an ex-husband, or an old boyfriend? Search for the real reasons you like this man. Some will be good and positive reasons. Others may not be. If you find that you are attracted to him for some very unbalanced reasons, get the help you need so you can break free of this trap.
3. Examine all that you have in common. Opposites attract; they also tend to attack. Just because opposites attract does not mean that they make good marriage partners. The more you have in common the better. If you are out going and love sports and entertainment and being with people, don't rationalize that marrying a quiet man who has no friends and stays at home will be a good balance. Marry someone with whom you can enjoy as many activities as possible. Most important, if you do not share a common faith, you are asking for trouble. What should be the center of your life will merely remain on the fringe. It may even become one of those areas you do not discussed or an area that produces many arguments. Have a lot in common, and be sure faith is one of those things you share. While looking at what you have in common, be sure to take special note of what you do not share. What is different about each of you, and are those differences likely to produce huge struggles? If you want children and he does not, how sad that you would move ahead and expect him to come around. He probably won't. If you like to have your own money to spend but he thinks the man must dole out every cent to his wife, you are headed for huge problems. If you like the city and he likes the country, realize that you may end up living in a place you hate. Differences can make life interesting or they can destroy a marriage, depending on what those differences are.
4. Research his life. You not only need to meet his family, you need to know his family. See him with them in different settings. Look at how he treats his mother. It is a big clue to how he feels about women and how he will treat you. Look at how he treats his father. That will tell you a lot about how he feels about himself. Spend time with his friends. Find out what he likes about them and what is likable about them. If you do not enjoy them, expect to spend many lonely nights at home. Ask them what they think of him. Ask his friends what they think about his marrying you. Listen carefully and you may discover new information. If they are all telling you it will never work or they revealed an unhealthy pattern, listen to them. If he was married before, talk to the ex-wife if possible. It will help you judge him and his truthfulness, and it will prepare you for some challenges ahead. If he was not married and you could talk to some ex-girlfriends, it would be very helpful.
5. Listen to the people who know you. Those friends who really love you can help you see what you do not see. Ask them to be truthful and listen to them. Do they think it is a good idea? Or do they see problems that worry them and will lead to trouble for you? Your parents can be very valuable in assessing the potential and the pitfalls of the relationship. The more help you get, the more opinions you are willing to listen to, the more likely you will be to make a good decision. Plus, when he sees and hears all that you are doing to make the right decision, it will either run him off or he will feel great about himself and the relationship when you move forward.
6. Study him. It is best to keep a diary of your relationship with him. Write down what he says about himself and others. This will reveal patterns and inconsistencies. Most people fudge a bit on the truth, but if he is a liar, your diary will document it. You won't have to wonder. You will be able to go back to what he has told you about his job, family, and other important facts. In your study of him, you need to know his goals, trains, and ambitions. When he tells them to you, write them down and be sure they are consistent with the way you want to live your life. You also want to find out about his fears, and securities, pains, and hurts. It may be hard for him to just come out and tell you those, but if he can't at all, you have not dated long enough and should extend the engagement. As your study continues, find out how he handles stress. Does it lead to some negative habits? How does he use them to grow and develop? Remember that in dating, the best foot is always forward. If you don't like some things about him, that is very normal. Everyone has something not to like. Beware that if you hate something now, you will surely hate them more after you are married. A final piece of research you may want to consider is testing. Many people find in very helpful. There are some insightful tests and survey such as Meyers-Briggs or the Taylor-Johnson temperament analysis test.
7. Find your motive for marriage. Are you marrying him because he loves you and you love him, or because you hate something else? Do you hate being lonely so much that you would married just about anyone who asked? Do you hate living at home so much you are just looking for a way out? Do you feel so bad about your self that you need someone else to save you, to make your life complete? Be sure your motives are pure. Be sure you are not trying to trap someone into meeting your own needs, which may be less than admirable.
8. Don't have sex before marriage. Sounds old-fashioned because it is. In fact, it is as old-fashioned as some other guidelines which still work, such as " don't lie" and "don't steal." When you have sex with someone, you are proving that you are caught up in romance, infatuation, and the hormones of it all. If you cannot delay gratification now, if he cannot delay gratification now, what makes you think either of you will be able to after you are married? There will be trips and illnesses and times of separation that will require matured delayed gratification on both of your parts. Prove it to each other now. Prove it to God now. Make him and your future more important than your urges. Animals have to act on reflex and urge. You do not. You will not go crazy, and you will not get sick if you delay gratification. I lived a promiscuous single life. I regret that I did not know then what I know now. I regret that I did not know God as I know him now. When I met Sandy, she dazzled me. I knew there was a potential between us, and I respected her from the beginning. We made a commitment not to have sex before we got married. We stuck to it, and it was not easy to do so. But I am glad we did. Now, this typically jealous and possessive guy never worries about her and her the faithfulness to me. It is such a relief to know she can be with men friends at her work or in her hobbies and I can feel confident in her commitment. When you sexualize your relationship, you are sinking large, sharp hooks into each other. To get away from those hooks will rip your soul and tear your heart. Don't do it. Even if it means not being alone together, do whatever it takes to stay true to your self so the development of the relationship does not center on sex. Many people on their way to a health relationship stopped growing when they entered the world of pre-marital sex. Everyone is not doing it, and you don't have to either-- if you are with a man who really loves you.
9. Obtain pre-marital counseling. There is nothing better that you can do to help discern whether or not you are a good match then to attend a strong pre-marital counseling program. One of the best things that could happen, even though it doesn't seem like it at the time, is for a pre-marital counselor to warn you that some of the things in the relationship do not look so good. Or, on the other hand, you may discover unknown strengths in each other that give you even more confidence in the relationship. Meet with someone who has advised hundreds of couples and knows the best materials for you to study. Go to someone who gives homework assignments and exercises that night caused the two of you to talk about the uncomfortable things like money, children, money, sex, faith, money, and money. No one has regretted getting too much pre-metal counseling. Many sure wish they had had more.
10. Agree on full financial disclosure before marriage. You have a right to know everything about how he has handled his finances. His debts become your debts. If he is up to his ears in credit card debt, that irresponsibility is going to carryover into other areas. If he is reluctant to show you his bills and checkbook, stop. Do not go any further with this man. Financial secrets are a sign of deeper secrets. Whether he has a lot of money or a little, he should be willing to share the truth with you. Being in debt does not mean you should not marry him. Unwillingness to tell you about his debt and the details of his financial affairs would be a good enough reason to find another man.
The most profound thing about all of these steps is that you are taking action rather than just trying, hoping, or blindly trusting. You are not allowing your self to be a victim. You are asserting yourself because you feel important enough to have a lifelong relationship full of love and intimate companionship. You are worth it. God really does want to meet your needs. He wants you to have a great life. Do not rob your self of a man who you can love deeply and a man who can love you more than you think possible.
Below are the things smart women do to make sure they're moving forward with the right man in the right way. Here are the 10 most valuable things you can do to insure you don't end up with Mr. Wrong:
1. Go slow. No, really--go even slower than you think you need to go. Did you know that romance and attraction don't rub off for about two years? If you marry before those two years are up, you won't know if you really love him or he loves you, or if you just love the feelings you create in each other. Go slow. Date at least a year and then be engaged for at least a year. Yes, the clock is ticking, but it is not ticking that fast. You have plenty of time for a great relationship. What you do not have it is time for a bad one that either drags into a lifetime of chronic pain or ends in acute pain and traumatic divorce.
2. Explore your attraction. Why is he attractive to you? Is it his great body or is it his great faith? Is it his money or his mind? Look at the things that make you feel good about him. Do they remind you of anyone? Is he similar to someone who caused problems for you? Like your father, an ex-husband, or an old boyfriend? Search for the real reasons you like this man. Some will be good and positive reasons. Others may not be. If you find that you are attracted to him for some very unbalanced reasons, get the help you need so you can break free of this trap.
3. Examine all that you have in common. Opposites attract; they also tend to attack. Just because opposites attract does not mean that they make good marriage partners. The more you have in common the better. If you are out going and love sports and entertainment and being with people, don't rationalize that marrying a quiet man who has no friends and stays at home will be a good balance. Marry someone with whom you can enjoy as many activities as possible. Most important, if you do not share a common faith, you are asking for trouble. What should be the center of your life will merely remain on the fringe. It may even become one of those areas you do not discussed or an area that produces many arguments. Have a lot in common, and be sure faith is one of those things you share. While looking at what you have in common, be sure to take special note of what you do not share. What is different about each of you, and are those differences likely to produce huge struggles? If you want children and he does not, how sad that you would move ahead and expect him to come around. He probably won't. If you like to have your own money to spend but he thinks the man must dole out every cent to his wife, you are headed for huge problems. If you like the city and he likes the country, realize that you may end up living in a place you hate. Differences can make life interesting or they can destroy a marriage, depending on what those differences are.
4. Research his life. You not only need to meet his family, you need to know his family. See him with them in different settings. Look at how he treats his mother. It is a big clue to how he feels about women and how he will treat you. Look at how he treats his father. That will tell you a lot about how he feels about himself. Spend time with his friends. Find out what he likes about them and what is likable about them. If you do not enjoy them, expect to spend many lonely nights at home. Ask them what they think of him. Ask his friends what they think about his marrying you. Listen carefully and you may discover new information. If they are all telling you it will never work or they revealed an unhealthy pattern, listen to them. If he was married before, talk to the ex-wife if possible. It will help you judge him and his truthfulness, and it will prepare you for some challenges ahead. If he was not married and you could talk to some ex-girlfriends, it would be very helpful.
5. Listen to the people who know you. Those friends who really love you can help you see what you do not see. Ask them to be truthful and listen to them. Do they think it is a good idea? Or do they see problems that worry them and will lead to trouble for you? Your parents can be very valuable in assessing the potential and the pitfalls of the relationship. The more help you get, the more opinions you are willing to listen to, the more likely you will be to make a good decision. Plus, when he sees and hears all that you are doing to make the right decision, it will either run him off or he will feel great about himself and the relationship when you move forward.
6. Study him. It is best to keep a diary of your relationship with him. Write down what he says about himself and others. This will reveal patterns and inconsistencies. Most people fudge a bit on the truth, but if he is a liar, your diary will document it. You won't have to wonder. You will be able to go back to what he has told you about his job, family, and other important facts. In your study of him, you need to know his goals, trains, and ambitions. When he tells them to you, write them down and be sure they are consistent with the way you want to live your life. You also want to find out about his fears, and securities, pains, and hurts. It may be hard for him to just come out and tell you those, but if he can't at all, you have not dated long enough and should extend the engagement. As your study continues, find out how he handles stress. Does it lead to some negative habits? How does he use them to grow and develop? Remember that in dating, the best foot is always forward. If you don't like some things about him, that is very normal. Everyone has something not to like. Beware that if you hate something now, you will surely hate them more after you are married. A final piece of research you may want to consider is testing. Many people find in very helpful. There are some insightful tests and survey such as Meyers-Briggs or the Taylor-Johnson temperament analysis test.
7. Find your motive for marriage. Are you marrying him because he loves you and you love him, or because you hate something else? Do you hate being lonely so much that you would married just about anyone who asked? Do you hate living at home so much you are just looking for a way out? Do you feel so bad about your self that you need someone else to save you, to make your life complete? Be sure your motives are pure. Be sure you are not trying to trap someone into meeting your own needs, which may be less than admirable.
8. Don't have sex before marriage. Sounds old-fashioned because it is. In fact, it is as old-fashioned as some other guidelines which still work, such as " don't lie" and "don't steal." When you have sex with someone, you are proving that you are caught up in romance, infatuation, and the hormones of it all. If you cannot delay gratification now, if he cannot delay gratification now, what makes you think either of you will be able to after you are married? There will be trips and illnesses and times of separation that will require matured delayed gratification on both of your parts. Prove it to each other now. Prove it to God now. Make him and your future more important than your urges. Animals have to act on reflex and urge. You do not. You will not go crazy, and you will not get sick if you delay gratification. I lived a promiscuous single life. I regret that I did not know then what I know now. I regret that I did not know God as I know him now. When I met Sandy, she dazzled me. I knew there was a potential between us, and I respected her from the beginning. We made a commitment not to have sex before we got married. We stuck to it, and it was not easy to do so. But I am glad we did. Now, this typically jealous and possessive guy never worries about her and her the faithfulness to me. It is such a relief to know she can be with men friends at her work or in her hobbies and I can feel confident in her commitment. When you sexualize your relationship, you are sinking large, sharp hooks into each other. To get away from those hooks will rip your soul and tear your heart. Don't do it. Even if it means not being alone together, do whatever it takes to stay true to your self so the development of the relationship does not center on sex. Many people on their way to a health relationship stopped growing when they entered the world of pre-marital sex. Everyone is not doing it, and you don't have to either-- if you are with a man who really loves you.
9. Obtain pre-marital counseling. There is nothing better that you can do to help discern whether or not you are a good match then to attend a strong pre-marital counseling program. One of the best things that could happen, even though it doesn't seem like it at the time, is for a pre-marital counselor to warn you that some of the things in the relationship do not look so good. Or, on the other hand, you may discover unknown strengths in each other that give you even more confidence in the relationship. Meet with someone who has advised hundreds of couples and knows the best materials for you to study. Go to someone who gives homework assignments and exercises that night caused the two of you to talk about the uncomfortable things like money, children, money, sex, faith, money, and money. No one has regretted getting too much pre-metal counseling. Many sure wish they had had more.
10. Agree on full financial disclosure before marriage. You have a right to know everything about how he has handled his finances. His debts become your debts. If he is up to his ears in credit card debt, that irresponsibility is going to carryover into other areas. If he is reluctant to show you his bills and checkbook, stop. Do not go any further with this man. Financial secrets are a sign of deeper secrets. Whether he has a lot of money or a little, he should be willing to share the truth with you. Being in debt does not mean you should not marry him. Unwillingness to tell you about his debt and the details of his financial affairs would be a good enough reason to find another man.
The most profound thing about all of these steps is that you are taking action rather than just trying, hoping, or blindly trusting. You are not allowing your self to be a victim. You are asserting yourself because you feel important enough to have a lifelong relationship full of love and intimate companionship. You are worth it. God really does want to meet your needs. He wants you to have a great life. Do not rob your self of a man who you can love deeply and a man who can love you more than you think possible.
I guess this is what I need. :D
On 8:59 pm, Cheryl lays it all at the feet of Jesus.
