Wednesday, February 06, 2008
In a tug of war: Rationale VS. Emotions

I hate it... I hate being emotional. It doesn't allow me to think rationally. The two sides inside of me -- my rationale & my emotions -- are creating mood swings worse than that when I'm having PMS. Wisdom says go, but my heart says no. One moment I can lay it all down to God & let Him take charge, the next moment I'll be asking God why & keep thinking of him. Perhaps God is using this situation to mould me into who He wants me to be. Then again, I hate this tug of war inside of me. When I'm occupied (in school & in church), I'll be fine... But everything outside of that goes haywire. I feel dumb, blaming myself why I could like someone that quick & it seems so hard to get out of this... this quicksand...

What makes me like that? I guess it's him. He never fails to make me smile & laugh... especially when he kept 'lol'-ing (that's his trademark... very cute). He can be so sweet sometimes but I'm thinking if I'm just thinking too much. He's not as bad or a jerk as he think he is. I've met guys worse than he could imagine, or should I say, my ex-boyfriend was one. I told him to tell me straight if I've been a disturbance (as I haven't been hearing from him for almost a week, & being the irritating one who kept msn-ing & sms-ing him) but it seems like he just disappeared. Or should I say, I'm being strike out from his list. He was there but not there... Saw his msn nick but it seems like he was just parking it there. I would say that I miss him. Then again, I won't say that I'm in love as it'd be too illogical to say that. I just miss his presence I guess...

Do keep me in prayers. I may seem so strong on the outside but that's just the exterior side of me. Ya, there's two sides in me. I'm complicated, I'd say.